Letting It All Out

So now that I have learned that formatting works if I copy/paste from Word, my posts will no longer shapeless lumps. A small victory in the grand scheme of things.

Today was painful. It cut me deep to the core because I don’t know what to do with my future. If any other person, someone who I didn’t respect as much as I respect him, were to say what he did, I would not have cared. But I lost it. And am still not fully functional.

The power of words is astonishing. Sometimes more so than how one acts. All I can do is take what I have learned from this situation and learn from it and become a better person.

Slowly, word by word, writing this is helping me. It’s almost as therapeutic as playing the violin; which leads me to wonder, is that the reason why I keep on playing the violin? Emotional catharsis? I have yet to come up with an answer for that but will know in the future. At least I hope so.

I feel like something is wrong with me doing nothing but waiting. Waiting for AP tests to be over so I can enjoy the last few months of school. Waiting for summer to return back to skating, less stress, and a trip to Europe. Waiting for the next year of school so I can do all the crazy things that senior year brings. Waiting for college because it’s supposed to be the best time of your life. Waiting for almost every stage of life. When will I not be waiting?

So, as I conclude this seemingly random blog post, I must say that I have to work on better person. A lot. Hopefully this will all work out in the end.

Why do you bother me so much?

It quite honestly is a very simple gesture. In this day and age, it represents something akin to a handwritten note. But thanks to the lack of privacy of social networking, it becomes all too clear when these gestures are made. I would understand if these were sent to merely your closest friends. But to her? The person I introduced you to? It just goes to show that these signs of affection are meant for more people. And it stabs me right through the heart this time. It is upsetting how foolish you take me to be. And its incredibly upsetting that you think you can get away with whatever. No longer will I stand for this. I am throwing away the key to the room that I've locked up. Never shall it open again. Take that. Why should I care when you clearly don't reciprocate?

Why do I indulge myself like this? Because I care about them, and they understand. Which is surprising, considering their track record. But perhaps what makes me different from the rest is what changes the situation. I respect them. I love them. And I hope they at least like me back. Rarely do you find someone who is also a guy who understands me and respects me, and is confident enough in themselves. And WITHOUT being an absolute idiot. As for her, I really don't know. There is a part of me that has long moved on, there is a part of me that is still really disappointed, there is a part of me that wants her back, there is a part of me that is hurt. So I guess confused is the proper term. The thing is, she's like a personal interest and we take turns maturing each other. If she wasn't so scared things can go back to how they used to be. But she is not ready. And I need to have the strength to move on. And I am very sorry to say how happy I am that Carmen is no longer such a big part of my life.